My Very NinthNewsletter
Hey all. PSA. If you’re planning your wedding, take note that you’re not the first couple in the world to get married. We are excited for you, yes! But not so excited that we want to hire a wardrobe consultant because of your plans for your instagram feed. I promise you everyone will like it, no matter what anyone is wearing. Not everyone has a comfy pair of cowboy boots or purple palazzo pants. Back in my day, the rule was stay away from white, and you’ll be fine.
And if you stay married, you don’t need to hold hands every second. It’s okay to walk through Times Square with your hands by your side so other people can negotiate pedestrian traffic. Walking as a couple in a crowd or as a family, five abreast, is obnoxious.
And when you take your kid on a college tour, I promise, you don’t need to hold hands. The purple-haired, nose-ringed junior is most assuredly not going to report to the admissions office that you seem like a nice family. There will be plenty of time for hand holding once the kid leaves the house.
I seem to be in a carping mood today. It’s easier to take on smug couples, many of whom I love, than it is to address our crumbling democracy, over which I have no control.
Distractions
Snacks
If you feel like giving yourself an extraordinary satisfying treat, go to your nearest diner and order a grilled blueberry muffin with butter. You can lie to yourself and order bran on the theory that it has a modicum of nutritional value, but nothing tops that manufactured blueberry flavor.
TV
I am not ashamed to say I really enjoyed the Kate Hudson show on Netflix. She plays a rich person who basically inherits a men’s basketball team. I’m not a sports fan and I’ve never loved Kate Hudson, but the whole thing worked for me. Also, there’s a Hanks kid in it, which I completely appreciate.
Movie:
I’ve been needing a rom com fix recently, and everything seems to involve time travel. So I recently rewatched A New Leaf with Walter Matthau and Elaine May. She is so funny and doesn’t get her due.
Books:
I love every novel Maggie Shipstead has written. I think my favorite is A Great Circle, a wonderful saga about the first female aviator. Her writing is stunning and her characters are fascinating.
Something I Learned:
My friend AJ Jacobs, a wonderfully prolific journalist and writer (check out his stuff) noted on facebook this week that Charles Dickens had a super nerdy sense of humor, even in the devastating A Tale of Two Cities (the first book to ever make me cry).
Please note on your calendar that our next Ruthless show is March 25th. We’ll be reuniting with Cory Kahaney and a Ruthless favorite, Marina Franklin. Our guest interview is with Gary Greengrass, an Upper Westside fixture and the owner of Barney Greengrass. Buy your tickets here.
We also want to thank everyone for reading our advice column and for submitting questions. If you need advice on anything, you can contact me here anytime.
My Very Eighth Newsletter
Hi. Here this week to say that we are moving way too quickly with all of our technology. I’m no luddite. Yes, I like my phone and I think the DVR is a gift to mankind. But come on.
Why do we need to communicate with our refrigerator when we leave the house? Ordering Alexa to dial a phone number or tell me the temperature only makes me feel helpless. Worse, I was bullied into purchasing a Roomba, the supposedly intelligent vacuum. My Roomba manages to get stuck in a mousetrap every week, which makes it dumber than a mouse. That customer service has been assigned to a robot is woefully insulting to the Karen who types this. I’m not even going to delve into the fact that the robot on the other end of the phone has a 3.2 percent success rate in addressing my problem. The point of customer service is for a business to connect with the customer and make them feel heard. That robot has never heard me, not even when I hurl my phone across the room in frustration.
I like people. Correct that: I like some people. But I think we would all like each other a little more if we had more contact with each other. Friendships build from quirk and connection, and technology is chipping away that. I’m not advocating an Amish lifestyle –maybe just one from twenty years ago: when I knew all of my friends’ phone numbers by heart and possessed skills like looking at a thermometer and cleaning my home.
Distractions
Snacks
Kirkland Extra Fancy Mixed Nuts for the win. An exquisitely salted mixture of macadamia, cashews, pecans and Almonds in a huge bag. Makes sure you buy Extra Fancy if you want to impress.
TV
I’m not a reality TV person, but I’m a new fangirl of Gordon Ramsey, after watching my son’s friend Arnav compete on Next Level Chef. I went down the Gordon rabbit hole and discovered the most exquisite episode of Kitchen Nightmares. And, there’s a sequel.
Movie
I tried and failed to read the super popular A Man Called Ove. I really tried. But it was so damn boring. So, of course, I could never bring myself to watch the movie, A Man Called Otto with Tom Hanks. But then my husband recommended it to me after seeing it on a plane. So here I am recommending it to you. I dare you not to shed at least one tear.
Reading:
The Bee Sting grapples with moral questions while being a completely engrossing escapist read. I love nuanced characters, and this book delivers.
Something I learned:
There’s a video on YouTube of a guy who saw Lincoln get shot
Calendar
Our next Ruthless show is March 25th. Check OUR website for more details.
Also, this week’s advice column was super fun to write.
If you like my newsletter, feel free to share with your friends. They can sign up on MY website.
My Very Seventh Newsletter
I’ve always been ambivalent about my name. It screams black and white TV generation but without the high school cred of say, a Jennifer or even a Kathy. Now, Karen has become shorthand for the middle-aged white woman who throws a hissy fit every time things don’t go her way. Once this trope started finding its way into everyone’s vernacular, I took a hard look at my own self-presentation. And I found myself changing my behavior. I’m now less likely to carp when someone bumps into me on the street, or the waiter forgets my order, or the grocery checkout line remains at a thirty-minute standstill. I take a much longer time to scream “F### You!” at the customer service robots who refuse to acknowledge my request for a human operator.
But now the Karen label has ballooned to describe any middle-aged white woman who has a problem with anything. Karen is an entitled whiner. When CVS pharmacy made me wait two and half hours for my flu shot despite my appointment, I said nothing. When American Airlines canceled my flight with no notice, I said nothing. We had an apartment emergency a few weeks ago and I kept perfect, silent equanimity as I delegated communicating with the building’s manager to my husband, despite the fact that in the 16 years we have lived here the management company has never responded to a single one of my emails—only to my husband’s. I’ve even stopped yelling at the automated recordings when I need customer service in fear that the robot will judge me.
All this has left me stressed, depressed and hungry. I’ve developed all this self-restraint so not a single unhelpful stranger will mutter “Karen,” as they walk past me. I’ve worked on it, pretty much mastered it, and NOW IT’S KILLING ME.
When I tell my middle-aged white female pals about this, they say, it’s not just you. We all have to be careful. Some of my black women friends have recently said the same. The common denominator here is women and if we don’t want to be branded a pain, we have to keep our mouths shut. But right now, I’ll settle for being a pain. Maybe I won’t ask to speak to the manager but figure out how to get a different manager.
Distractions:Snacks
If you’re a chocolate snob, you need to skip this section. I love a Ritter. You know, the big and small chocolate squares that sit on the counter in between the cash register and the Tip Jar. My favorite flavors (it’s hard to choose) are Dark Chocolate Marzipan and Cornflake, which sounds so much better in its original German, Knusperflake. Let me know which you prefer.
TV
I’m not excited by the new stuff so I’m drowning myself in the entire Frasier series. Each episode is a perfect piece of theater: masterful acting and brilliant writing.
Movies
I really enjoyed Anna Kendrick’s Woman of the Hour, a movie about the serial killer who appeared on The Dating Game. It’s the perfect melange of of feminism and suspense.
Books
I love reading about the history of television. If you do too, I recommend both of Bill Carter’s books about late night television. I would love to hear your thoughts on Jay Leno.
Something I Learned:
There is a product on the market, sold primarily for an upset stomach, that will also eliminate fart and poop smells. This could be a great gift for that special someone.
Don’t forget to consult with our advice column that comes out this Tuesday. You can look at our most recent one here. They are evergreen.
Please check out my website for comedy show dates, archived newsletters, videos and more. Extra credit if you refer a pal.
My Very Sixth Newsletter
I just remembered a story from my early days as a comic that seems even more pertinent and chilling today than it was at the time.I had very good representation but had booked very little–maybe a commercial or two. One day my manager called me with an exciting offer. A well known comic (who is even more well known today) wants to cast me in a movie he is doing for Showtime. Showtime! The closest thing I’d come to Showtime was playing a woman-in-the-elevator in an NYU student film. I almost said yes before he described the role. “It’s a comedy and your character is intellectually disabled,” although he didn’t use that term. Back then everyone used the R word. I said,”Why did he make her intellectually disabled?” And he said, “Because that’s funny.” I said, “Maybe, instead, I could play a dork. I’m so good at dork.” I am, after all, a dork. My manager went back to the well known comic and then reported to me that the dork idea was a no go. It took me about five minutes to turn down the offer.
This seems like a really obvious choice now. In the age of cancel culture and viral videos, that kind of punch down could easily go viral and ruin someone’s career. But this was over 25 years ago. Back then it seemed the only obvious consequence to my taking the role would be putting Showtime on my resume. Maybe that would open doors. And the well-known comic might be able to give me more work. But I couldn’t bring myself to say yes. The well-known comic was merciless to me when I ran into him at clubs: “Hey don't you have a protest to go to?” He once screamed and then told all of his buddies about what a weirdo I was.
The good news is that the film was watched by exactly no one. I looked it up and it said that my character had been renamed “injured woman.” The actress who played her seemed to have remained in obscurity.
I think about this story now as I watch politicians and business leaders compromise all of their principles in exchange for a few bucks and a promotion. It’s really hard to be a hero. While U.S. Attorney Danielle Sassoon and her colleagues may have just given up the best jobs of their lives, they can sleep at night. And we all know how important sleep is. Maybe if Mitch McConnell had done in the past eight years what he did in the past eight days, he could have avoided a bunch of falls, a concussion, a broken rib, a sprained ankle and what can only be described as a frozen face. At the very least, we all would have slept better.
Distractions:
Snacks:
Imagine the offspring a Cheez Doodle and peanut butter could produce. That is the beauty of Bamba snacks. You can usually get them from Trader Joe’s, but they are also available in less attractive packaging from Target and Amazon. Note that they don’t have any cheese or cheese flavor.
Movies:
I was too depressed this week to watch anything that might sink me further. Luckily there is a new Bridget Jones movie. It was certainly good enough, but more importantly, I realized I had never watched the third Bridget Jones movie, the one where she has a baby. I can’t believe that I’d never seen it, given that Colin Firth (along with Jamie Raskin) is my hall pass. Yes, watch the recent one, but don’t forget to watch the third one. I’m now watching the second one again. And by the way, I think Renee Zellweger’s plastic surgery is great and I want to be on record saying that.
TV:
I’ve been looking for a modern day Dickens-like show and am unable to find one. Luckily, Amazon prime video platforms a 1981 mini-series version of Great Expectations. While some of the cinematography is clunky, the acting and the story are so good. I highly recommend it. Cindy, my comedy wife, recommends everything on PBS.
Books:
I fell in love with Taffy Brodessar-Akner’s writing after reading ten pages of Fleischman is in Trouble. That woman can pack so much in a sentence. Her recent novel, really a family saga, Long Island Compromise is equally fun. Brodessar-Akner is so good at introducing us to seriously flawed people whom we find ourselves rooting for.
Something I Learned: Our representatives need a little fire under their bottoms. There’s an app which gives you links to your Congress people and gives you scripts if you are too self conscious to use your own words.
So excited for Janeane Garofolo and John Fugelsang guest appearances on our next Ruthless show.
If you check out the comments to this week’s advice column, you’ll see that GeorgeCP wrote “this column is delicious breath of good-natured nastiness.”
My Very Fifth Newsletter
Hi. Okay he did it. We lost, we lost big. I’m a big girl.I admit to things. Trump has owned us, the libs. You win, Mr. President, your highness, Dear Leader. I’ll call you whatever you want. I’ll even wear the hat. I’ll wear the whole clothing line. I’ll put the same verve into saying Gulf of America as I do saying Ed Koch Bridge. But can we please continue with cancer research? I’ll say Merry Christmas. I’ll even say it in July. Hallmark does it; so why can’t Karen? I’ll do it every month if we can put the teeniest effort into fighting domestic terrorism. What do I have to do to get education back? I’ll join an exclusive country club if it means so much to you. When men ask me to smile more, I’ll smile more. I’d be happy to listen to Ted Nugent and Dr. Phil if it means reinstating the Inspectors General. And for Justice Department folks, I’ll be okay with anyone who says ladies instead of women. I'll take my husband’s last name. I’ll even vote for Eric Ada–okay, that is something I won’t do.
Snacking: I don’t eat enough Kringle, and I’m trying to change that. If you’ve never heard of Kringle, you need to educate yourself as quickly as possible. There is so much you can do with flaky layers of dough and cream. You don’t have to order but at least subscribe to O& H Danish Bakery’s mailing list.
Books: I just finished A Gorgeous Excitement, gorgeous in its own right, is a coming of age novel set in NYC in the summer of 1986. And for those of us who remember, Robert Chambers murdered Jennifer Levin in Central Park that year. This is Cynthia Weiner’s reimagining of how the “Preppy Murder” went down and her treasure trove of 80s references, from Sam Goody to cocaine to pay phones. It doesn’t disappoint.
Movies: I am having a hard time finding a current movie to get excited about. Our theatres are filled with the apocalypse, and I’m trying to get away from that. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t like a good villain. I just watched Whiplash, a 2014 drama about an ambitious drummer and his equally ambitious but psycho teacher.
TV: There’s a special place in hell for the “I have cancer grifter.” I watched Anatomy of Lies a few months back, and it was heard to believe someone could be worse than Elisabeth Finch. But I binged Apple Cider Vinegar last night and Belle Gibson is by all accounts worse. The show will get you just angry enough to forget about the political climate. It’s sooooo good.
Something I learned: We can get public health updates everyday from the American Medical Association You Tube channel. Now that the CDC is no longer with us, it's a great place to educate ourselves about bird flu, in particular.
Upcoming Shows:
Of note: I’m at Gotham next Friday Feb 21: 6:30 and 8:30
We have a star studded Ruthless Comedy Hour with guests John Fugelsang and Janeane Garofalo on Tuesday Feb. 25 at 7:30
And much much more at karenbergreen.com
Don’t forget to check out our latest advice column. It may be our best yet.
My Very Fourth Newsletter
The job market has shrunk; egg prices are up but at least the world hates us. I keep waiting. . . for . . . I dunno . . . Maybe Trump and Musk will have a Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf style divorce. Maybe England will take us back. I’m not the only one who engages in magical thinking. Remember when we all thought Melania would pull the curtain on her husband’s presidency. She was completely unaffectionate with him, blew off first-lady-should-show-up kinds of things, and even disappeared for a while. Free Melania we all wrote on social media. It turns out she’d reportedly had a kidney infection and when she recovered, her kidneys looked very perfect, especially in a tight sweater. What a disappointment.
Fast forward to a few months ago: the only thing standing between us and a resurgence of small pox was Cheryl Hines. With each revelation of RFK’s depravity, we anxiously awaited her condemnation. None came. And now we can buy Cheryl Hines MAHA (the H is for healthy –kill me) skincare.
Currently, all eyes are on the face of birthright citizenship herself: Usha Vance. She’s smart and she was disgusted by the January 6th people. Alas, the only Usha news I have seen was the detailed report of her Inauguration day outfit. And while I’ll admit she looked beautiful, she’s the same level monster as these other Real Housewives of the Oval Office.
Why do we women always expect the wives to be more rational, more humane than their husbands? Sometimes they just aren’t.
Distractions:
Snacks: Who thought to put trail mix on a cracker? Why, Trader Joe’s, that’s who. Trader Joe’s Trail Mix Crackers may look silly, but I dare you not to eat the whole bag . Cindy, my dear pal and Ruthless partner, is upset with me that I chose the cracker over the Oatmeal Cranberry Dunker. While they are also very good, she is wrong
Books: Real Americans is a great story. I’m a sucker for coming of age –and we see the evolution of three characters. Three for the price of one.
Movies: I finally watched King Richard, and it did not disappoint. And even though I know exactly how the story ends, it was gripping.
TV Shows: I tried Somebody Somewhere several times and I couldn’t get into it, but I pushed myself through season one and the first couple of episodes of season two and my big reward was season three. You can do it, too.
Something I Learned: Apparently, someone is in the process of developing a DNA based tool for neighborhood Karens (I proudly wear the mantle) to detect which doggy left its poop unscooped. That means we can all go full vigilante on these entitled pieces of shit who leave pieces of shit on the sidewalk.
Third Letter From Karen
Hi again,
I’m filled with dread. Watching the RFK confirmation hearings gave me polio. And that was after I got herpes from the Hegseth ones. I’m a terrible flyer under the best of circumstances and an extra five milligrams of klonopin seems like a poor substitute for an Air Traffic Controller or two. I’m trying to limit social media but sometimes it’s comforting. A Facebook friend wrote something beautiful about Bishop Budde. It made me feel better until someone commented that Budde hated real Americans and wanted to allow illegals to rule the country.
Stupid me –yes, stupid me –took the bait. “I reread the transcript several times,” I wrote. “This wasn’t in it.” She didn’t respond. At least not there. Two days later I received a message in my inbox. The misinformant called me a cunt, among other words for that same body part. And then she blocked me. I should have just eaten the remaining sticky toffee pudding in our fridge, but instead I spent an hour or so playing Nancy Drew. I figured out her name, her job, her address and her employer.
What a colossal waste of time. I should have thanked her for blocking me. What was I going to do? Write her a letter explaining that she got her facts wrong and that if she took a minute, she would learn that the Bishop is the real deal? This was never going to happen. I sometimes treat our world as if it’s a debate tournament, and it’s something entirely different. Until we learn how to manage the funnels of misinformation, it’s not going to end. In the meantime, I signed up to help on a local political campaign for someone I truly believe in, gave a small donation to pal’s go fund me, and ate the rest of the pudding.
Distractions:
Snacks: Toast doesn’t get enough credit. I challenge you not to enjoy a delicious piece of a flavorful bread like Arnold Oatnut toasted medium, spread with a generous portion of butter–buy the Irish stuff and if you are me, a nice marmalade smear. Perfection.
Movies: I loved I Like Movies. It’s a familiar setup. Lawrence, A social reject and cinephile works in a video store during his senior year in high school. Unlike other movies of this ilk, Lawrence is kind of awful. Hilariously so. And yet we root for him. The acting is pitch perfect.
TV: I’m not going to go into it, but this is the best season yet of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.After watching Dexter: New Blood several years ago, all I wanted was for Dexter to die. The show had run its course. Not so. I am almost done with the first season of Dexter: Original Sin and I’m back to loving this cold hearted serial killer. His origin story is everything you want. Young Dexter has channeled Michael C. Hall (it doesn’t hurt that Hall still narrates the show). We also see younger versions of Battista, LaGuerta and Deb, all fantastic. I know I’m going to regret saying this, but I’m hoping for more seasons
Books: If you haven’t done so yet, please read Empire of Pain. We all need to unite behind a villain and the Sacklers fit the bill. It reads like a novel. You will thank me.
Something I learned: Cottage cheese doesn’t taste terrible if you top it with grated parm, your favorite herbs and spices and bake it for 40 minutes at 350°.
Second Letter From Karen
Hi
It’s only been two days since the inauguration, and I need to go on a news media diet. Not a fast!! I feel a responsibility to know what’s going on. And with my spare time, I hope to create more, perform more, read more and watch more. I want to offer my services to Netflix. They do a lousy job of labeling their programming.
They need better genres. For example:
1. I don’t understand what is happening
2. Gross
3. This got a good review for some reason
4. British
5. Finally, something good.
OpEd
People are still talking about Luigi, and I’m surprised that they continue to lionize him. I understood the initial reaction by some. The little guy finally stuck it to the insurance industry. Believe you me, I had UHC for years and I spent many hours crying and screaming with them on the phone. They punish their clients for going to the doctor.
But Luigi wasn’t a UHC client, and he wasn’t going to the poorhouse because of his medical bills. He was a once talented lovely kid who in his mid-twenties injured himself and slowly went off the grid. I don’t know if it was his physical pain alone or something going on with his body chemistry, but his behavior seemed less like a warrior and more like a man who wasn’t in his right mind. My days as a lawyer are long behind me but I do remember that the legal standard for insanity isn’t the simple question of whether the defendant is mentally ill? It’s basically a mental disease or defect that causes someone not to understand the nature of his crime.
By all accounts, Luigi understood what he was doing. But that doesn’t mean that stuff wasn’t going on. But one thing he isn’t: is a hero. No matter how horrible an insurance executive is, random individuals can’t be permitted to decide whether he lives or dies. There are far worse people out there, AHEM, but it cannot be that the way to address these monsters is to kill them.
Distractions
Read: The Wedding People by Alison Espach. It’s a wonderful little fairy tale about friendship, family and loss. It’s so funny. I really enjoyed the audio version.
My TV obsession right now: is The Queen’s Gambit, but I think I’m the only person in the world who hasn’t seen it. Start watching this very second if you are in my former position. Otherwise, I would recommend escaping to Masterpiece Theatre and lose yourself in the updated All Creatures Great and Small. It’s got animals and scenery and is surprisingly pleasant even though Hitler is always somewhere in the background. My Scottish is terrible so I get the English subtitles.
Film: If you liked the movie A Quiet Girl, you will enjoy Small Things Like These. The Irish express their pain in a completely compelling way. Cillian Murphy is fantastic.
Yum: If you like spicy food, get yourself some Blank Slate Garlic Chile Oil. I add it to everything but my coffee. Put a little of it in a container for the flight just in case you have to eat airline food. Or send it to your college kids. I just this very second tasted their Zhug, which is equally amazing.
Something I learned this week: My son called me from college the other night and his first sentence was “How are you doing?” When I complimented him on his generosity of spirit, he told me he learned that from Modern Family. So I am here to tell you to let your kids watch TV.
First Letter from Karen
Hi. Hello. Hey. Hi. Hi. Hi.
I’ve been missing my peeps, and social media isn’t fun anymore. I was reminded that my website had a newsletter function. While I’ve always been reluctant to send out a newsletter, a few days ago I got a Breaking News alert from People Magazine that Josh Hall is dating someone new. I was unaware of his split from Christina Haack. More to the point, I don’t know who either of these people are. But the article gave me the confidence I needed to start my own newsletter.
It’s still a work in progress. Feel free to make gentle suggestions but know that I am a fragile flower so keep it kind. As you know, I love sharing my thoughts on the noteworthy and the banal. And I have so much stuff to recommend. I’m a huge consumer of food, books, tv, and all that, I may throw in a little self-promotion, although I realize this entire venture is self-promotion.
We’re off to a terrible start. 2025 is already horrific and we haven’t even gotten to the inauguration. For a moment, I even forgot about the New Orleans attack because I’m so busy trying to keep up with which neighborhoods in Los Angeles have been destroyed. To those of you who live or have people there, I don’t even know what to say. This is unimaginable. The deaths, ravaged neighborhoods, poisoned air, and the impossibility of starting over while trying to preserve memories.
I can’t help but think of all the houses that have been destroyed as Jimmy Carter lies in state. I just donated to Habitat for Humanity in honor of the work he did with them. Can you write to me and tell me what we can do if we have money to spend or hours to give?
On the lighter side: my distractions
Try: Trader Joe’s Cornbread Crisps. All the flavor of cornbread in the crunch of a chip.
Books: If you loved The Plot by Jean Hanff Korelitz, read her sequel, called. . . The Sequel. And if you haven’t read The Plot. Read it first. It’s a completely fun and well-written psychological thriller and The Sequel will suck out of context.
Binge: Season Two of Shrinking after you binge Season One. It’s a total, you laugh/you cry package. And an added bonus is watching Harrison Ford play a crank.
Go See: A Real Pain. Even though the movie was probably an hour and half, I feel like I could spend ten hours discussing all the topics: generational pain, luck, holocaust, family but also many laughs. Jesse Eisenberg is always interesting, and Kieran Culkin is phenomenal. Jennifer Grey is in it, too. Extra tip: read HER memoir.
Something I learned: According to SFGate website, hotel booking sites like Booking.com and Expedia and Kayak offer different rates to customers, depending on which city they are browsing from. So, if you happen to be in Pine Bluff, Arkansas, do all your bookings. Or, get a VPN.
Our next Ruthless show is Tuesday, January 28th at 7:30pm! Click here to buy tickets.
The Inaugurate This! Edition
Tuesday, January 28, 7:30 pm
@ New York Comedy Club 236 West 78th St. NYC
OUR AWESOME GUESTS:
AJ Jacobs
(Best selling author, The Year of Living Biblically, the Puzzler Podcast)
Lenny Marcus
(Fallon, Letterman, Louie, Amy Schumer Show)
P.S. Did you know that Ruthless Comedy Hour now has a Ruthless Advice Column?
Twice a month, Cindy and I provide answers to desperate New Yorkers. We have no expertise at all, but that doesn’t stop us. Check out our most recent column here.